Disclaimer: The following is meant to be satire. We love girl bands, warts, contradictions and all. And if you don't like what you read...who cares.
The following are scenes from a rockumentary on the multi-platinum all-girl band Vamp. It will probably never be seen becuz the band is suing the directors claiming that all the footage was fabricated. Well, we here at Dead Jackie have no fear of lawyers and after we were shown a pirate videotape decided to transcribe portions of the show that's too good to let disappear.
Didi and Kelly left the band shortly after the video was completed. Vamp had long been surrounded by rumors of constant infighting between the band members, but Didi claims she left to get married and Kelly to pursue "other projects."
My name is Gina and I'm the singer/guitarist in Vamp. Let me just get one thing straight from the start, we are a GURL(TM) band, not a grrrl band! We have nothing to do with riot grrrl. It really ANNOYS me when all those pig rock writers call us riot grrrl. We are not ideologues, we are MUSICIANS. Our songs are about gurls and gurl experiences like abortions, sex and stupid boyfriends who break our hearts, but as our manager/agent Merle says we don't wear a labrys on our sleeve, so remember it's GURL(TM) like in our top ten hit single-- "Krusty Vomit Krotch G-U-R-L" OK?
Scene 2--the tour bus 12:55 PM
GINA: What's that noise? Damn, I'm gonna have an aneurysm if it
doesn't stop. If it stops I swear no more Jagermeister and valium cocktails. Jesus,
I can't take it!
CAMERAMAN:It's the phone.
GINA:I know that FOOL. What are you doing here anyway? Are you a pervert or something? Get out!!!! [Cameraman starts to leave] Where are you going? Christ it's only barely past noon, I don't know what I'm saying. Stay here!! I want my whole life on tape!!! Who the hell could be calling? [Picks up phone which has been ringing for nearly 5 minutes] This better be good...who are you and what do you want? You have 3 minutes go.
MERLE: Damn you Gina!!! It's Merle, your agent, and I will not be spoken to like that! You and your band of GURL (TM) trash owe your entire career to me and if you don't believe it I could drop you right now and by tomorrow morning you'd have screwed yourself over so badly that you'd be back in Olympia serving Latte to loggers by 9am.
GINA: Oh, sorry Merle. I didn't mean it. You know you're my guru.
MERLE: That's better...I called to remind you that as soon as you get to NY, you're due at BLAHTV for an interview with Lewis Largent.
GINA: Oh Gawd not him! He's even dumber than Idalis! What's the matter, did Kurt Loder run out of Geritol? Can't you change it? Pleease...
MERLE: No. You'll do the interview then you and the band have a meeting with a writer from Spit for a cover story on the band.
GINA: NOT the Baaaaand!!! They are soooo dull. I can't do an interview with THEM! It's just me, or not at all!!!!
Scene 3--the BLAHTV studios, 4:30pm
LEWIS LARGENT: Welcome back to 120 minutes. You just saw the video
for "Krusty Vomit Krotch GURL (TM)" the hit single off of Ipecac Syrup by Vamp and I'm
here with Gina Morton the singer/guitarist from Vamp. So, Gina where'd you get the
name for the band?
GINA: Lewis, that's the stupidest question I've ever been asked.Next question...
LEWIS: OK, so you guys have a pretty unique sound...nice melodies, pop guitar licks, yet you're also capable of some massive feedback breakdowns.What are you're influences?
GINA:First off, we are not guys, we are GURLS (TM).Got that Lewis? G-U-R-L-S. Gurls!!!! Don't be afraid to say it. Nice that you think we are capable, but I've worshipped tons of other capable GURLS like Poly Styrene, Kim Gordon and Exene. Lewis, you think you're cool, but you don't know anything, man, Punk ideas are like so incredibly important. You should be telling kids that whatever it is they can do anything on their own. I mean start a band, do something! Anything, whatever, but no one needs BLAHTV. These people here in this studio, in this building, the pencil pushers, the accountants, the camera guys, these people are just parasites and my band and I, we are out to ANNIHILATE THEM. The rock press has no point, they are outta touch. Everyone watching this is just wasting time. Everyone at home, turn off your TV and go play guitar or something. Don't listen to what anyone in the media tells you, they all lie just to sell more copies or get better ratings.
LEWIS: Including you? So if you GURLS are such riot grrrls then why are you even on BLAHTV?
GINA: I never lie, Lewis. I'm here to tell the kids the truth! And we aren't riot grrrl! Riot grrrl is a bunch of middle class white teen grrrls acting totally juvenile and Heathers-like telling other girls what is and isn't cool. It's total herd mentality junk. Two years from now the hundreds of crappy grrrl bands formed daily won't even be remembered by one person. All their little 7" records will be melted down to make Crayolas or Tupperware or something useful for when they go back to their middle class roots.
OFF SCREEN DIRECTOR: Cut. That's great, really great stuff. Send it up to Tabitha and Kurt, they'll love it.
GINA: So Lewis, drinks?
LEWIS: OK, Fashion Cafe?
GINA: Great maybe I can kidnap a model, deprogram her, and make her one of the band. We'd get so much BLEEPing press for that!!! Great idea. Hold on, I gotta call Merle with that. [Dials cellfone and tells Merle about the model]....Great so you'll think about it, cool. Don't laugh, I mean it. Hey and where are we with Conde Nast? Did you tell them I'd do the interview only if they promised that over the next year and a half I'd be on the cover of every stupid publication they own? What do you mean they said NO?!!!! Don't they know I'll sell more issues than OJ?!!!! Idiots! Did you find out why Architectural Digest shelved that feature on my house yet? Well you better!!!! (throws cellfone across studio) C'mon Lewis let's go, I DON'T NEED THIS!!!!
Scene 4--A Royalton Suite 11 am
Camera records Gina methodically calling up gossip columnist after gossip columnist. Pretending to be waiters, bathroom attendants, and valets, she plants items about who she was out with last night. She occasionally refers to her laptop where she stores a list of rockers, actors, writers, and personalities all of which are listed according to how much higher their Q rating is than hers. She then logs into several different online services and posts more gossip under various different names.
MERLE: Spit will do the interview with just you and Lily.
GINA:Christ, is she still in the band? I thought I told you to fire her.
MERLE: Be there in an hour BOTH of you.
Scene 5--Photo studio on Lower Broadway
Spit writer has just asked a question about who Gina is dating.
GINA: No one takes us seriously cuz we are GURLS. No one cares who Neil Young sleeps with. Some teen magazine called us up and wanted to know if we would do a spread about what kind of shampoo we all use. No one cares what shampoo Eddie Vedder uses. No one cares about what the last book any one of us read was.
LILY: Boy critics always ignore GURL rockers unless the GURLS play it all sex kitten like. Girls have to be hot and make you guys think we want you. That's the only way we get good press. It's a good thing we were all strippers. That's how we got the bucks for all our gear--stripping. It's a sucky job, but it's like great experience for being in a band.
GINA: Yeah but the sex thing only works for awhile then you guys get bored and want someone else. We become like the ex-girlfriend that you want to forget about or something. Or like you fell guilty for screwing over, so you trash us in print cuz you hate us for making you feel like you did something wrong.
LILY: Look at these photos Gina!!! [handing Polaroids of photo shoot to Gina] You and I look so hot! Look at your legs, GURL!!
GINA: Let me see the one where I kiss you, my lipstick didn't smear did it?
LILY: God are we a hot couple or what?
SPIT WRITER: There was an intense bidding war for Vamp. What was that like?
GINA: Major labels suck! Corporate culture is a parasite.
LILY: Kill all suits!!!
GINA: Some of the suits are our friends, but we hate them cuz they're still finks.
LILY:They listen to us cuz they think we are the voice of young America or something. They call Gina for advice about who to sign and stuff.
GINA:But it's all bull. We only signed to a major label so that we could get our message out and get our music heard by more people, but I hate these snotty rich kids that criticize us for making a profit. If punk didn't make money then the only people who would be artists would be rich trust fund kids.
SPIT WRITER: Lily, didn't your great grandfather invent LEGOS (TM)? And Gina isn't your father a famous surgeon? And how did you two meet again?
LILY: Yeah, but you can come from Mainline Philly and still be punk. We saw through all the bull, so we wanted something other than what our parents had. We didn't fit in to that whole scene and when we first met we like bonded over that. We were studying art at Oberlin, which was our first rebellion trip, but it wasn't what we wanted to do...
GINA:Right, we just wanted something else besides country clubs and pearl necklaces.
LILY: So we started a band. We never care about selling records or anything, all we want to do is to get the message out to other girls to start bands and not just sit around doing nothing.
SPIT WRITER: Ipecac Syrup, your 3rd album is doing better than all your previous ones, wasn't it certified gold?
GINA: God, am I the only one who reads Billboard? Hello!!!We just sold 2.5 million copies of Ipecac Syrup!!! It's Platinum BABEEE!