The Militant Sissy is coming out of the closet. Lookout world, she's gonna take a nothing day and certainly make it all seem worthwhile... She's a girl who's had enough crap about being a girl and isn't gonna take it anymore!?! So what if she has more in common with Mary Tyler Moore than Kathleen Hanna--What are you gonna do about it? She tried to be tough and angst-ridden, but "girl style revolution now" or "I hate myself and I want to die" just didn't sound right coming from her. Sure some people will empower girls by telling them not to be afraid to cry or have a nervous breakdown, we however, take it a step farther-- we say, hey so what if you can't help the pert flip in your hair, or the girlish bounce in your step. Maybe you're a mess, but why wallow in pain? Sure you're filled with as much psychic trauma as your average NIN fan, but it doesn't have to show in your hair! And the best thing about the Militant Sissy is that biology isn't destiny-- anyone, male, female or other, can be one!
How do you know if you should be a militant sissy? Can you answer "yes" to any of the following:
1. Were you ever not called over for Red Rover? Were you always beaned in dodge ball? Did you never "steal the bacon"? Were you never picked but rather assigned a team in gym class?
2. Did absolutely everyone yell that you throw like a girl?
3. When viewing reruns of the old Mickey Mouse Club, did you wish you were Cubby? Or did you wanna both make out with and look like voluptuous Mousketteer Annette Funicello?
4. While the other kids were gaga over Keith, did you think that Tracy Partridge was like the coolest member of the family?
5. Did you think that Sally Field was better as the Flying Nun (or Gidget) than Norma Rae?
6. Do you refuse the phallocractic order by speaking in question marks?
7. When online do you find yourself filling your posts with a preponderance of smiley emoticons, or LOL, ROTFL, or worse yet, hee or ha...?
8. When witnessing a police raid on your local squat, are you a cheerleader for anarchy...boldly chirping, go squatters, go squatters, goooooo squatters!!!!
9. Did you buy doc martens not to stomp down the street, but rather to demi- pogo just like Justine Frischmann in the video for "Connection"?
10. Would you pinch or pull the hair of even your closest friend if they don't like Nick Rhodes?
11. Do people always call you CUTE? and though you try and be tough, no one takes you seriously?
12. Has Andy Warhol ever been your role model at any point in your life?
13. Do you still scream when you see a cockroach or mouse?
14. Do you wanna barf when you here the word cuddlecore? Yet no matter how you fight it, Tiger Trap, Bunnygrunt, or the GoGos are still your idea of punk?
15. Have you fallen in love with a drag queen? Or better yet, wished you were a drag queen?
16. Did you of think of camp NOT as somewhere you'd go, but rather as something you'd BE?
17. In a moment of drama have you tried to hit someone but ended up completely giggling becuz all can ever do is slap? Is it physically impossible for you to make a fist?
18. Do people still ask you if you're in high school even though your 10th reunion is about to pass?
19. Are you completely obsessed with Parker Posey? Did you find that Parker Posey's Party Girl character had more than a passing resemblance to your own life? Or if that's going to far, did you at least think that Parker Posey's performance in Sleep with Me stole the show?
20. While all your friends are making fashion statements with chains, leather, and tattoos, is your fabric of choice shiny and happy like satin, or does it shimmer and glitter like a disco ball?
Extra Credit: Have you ever secretly identified with one of the Heathers? Did you think that Alicia Silverstone's character in Clueless was almost sublime?