as told to Venus Futura

Janice Roach. An unlikely name to have become as they say in New Orleans, world famous. Nay, strike that, an unlikely name to have become infamous. But wherever you go these days it seems that people are engaged in heated debate about this creature who no one can say with any certainty whether she's myth or reality, devil or angel, super hero or villain. For the few out of touch souls who are not familiar with the young Ms. Roach, she appears at first glance to be nothing more than your typical purple haired punk rock girl, albeit with a tattoo that reads Emma Peel Forever in flame lettering down her calf. But this ragged girl has become a symbol of sorts-- her case taking on the air of a latter day Patty Hearst vs. The SLA. I could go on about the particulars of this unusual tale-- about how she has become a hero to some as a tough avenger of what she perceives as right-wing crimes against women, or a crazed crackpot conspirator against all that this country holds sacred to others, but I think to tell this story is damn near impossible. Therefore, we at Dead Jackie offered Janice the chance to speak for herself in an exclusive interview-- the first since she became a fugitive from the law. I caught up with her at the Headquarters of the Super Hero Relocation Program somewhere in Death Valley CA where she is currently completing a 90 day residential program in the hopes that she will be able to one day live a normal life free of harassment from the law, media, and Strom Thurmond who has offered a reward for her capture.

How does it feel to have been denounced on the Senate floor as public enemy number one? What, was it $250,000 that was offered for your arrest by Strom Thurmond?

Yeah, I was sorta disappointed. I thought hell, we drove a monster truck over Newt Gingrich's mother's mobile home, that should be worth half a million easy.

Now, I just want to clear this up, who was with you when you crushed Newt's mom's house?

Connie Chung! No really, Sofia [Coppola] was driving and Zoe [Cassavetes] was riding shotgun while me and Jenny [Shimizu] bounced around the back. I know that Sofia and Zoe are denying any involvement with me, but for the record I can't drive. Never have. I mean christ... I'm a super hero, you know, I can like fly wherever I wanna go.

Well actually, I think that since Newt's mom said that there were at least two people driving the truck that crushed her trailer and she picked Sofia and Zoe out of a line up, Sofia and Zoe have admitted they did in fact drive the monster truck, but they claim that you locked them in a closet and brainwashed them into doing it. What everyone really wants to know is how did you hook up with them?

Christ, how original an excuse for them to use. Well, that's OK, we had fun. I'm not bitter anymore...really. I guess the whole thing started one day when I was chilling in my apartment with a nice cold sixer of Dixie Beer after a long day at the garage and I flipped channels and I found their 2 chicks and a car show and I was like wow! serious rocking! Then they had Jenny on doing engine repair and they like went to monster truck school and I was like I gotta meet them. Ya see I had this plan to raise a little hell brewin in my mind and I thought they'd be interested. So I pulled on my super hero doc marten boots, my super hero cut off shorts, and my tank top with the Scarlet women's symbol on it, and I flew to LA to find them. I picked Zoe, Sofia, and Jenny up outside of Aaron Spelling's house where they were spray painting Tattoo Lives across his front gate. I mean this was lame! They were begging for me to save them, so I dropped down into the back seat of the car as they were driving off and I scared the life outta them when I asked, "Hey, Wanna have some real fun?" Sofia goes "Excuse me, but WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?" Then I said, "I'm Janice Roach, the grrrl super hero." Zoe laughed at me and goes all snotty, "Of course, you are and I'm Wonder Woman." So I tell them I'm their biggest fan and like no one I know likes their show and I came all the way from Stockbridge, Georgia so they had to listen to me cuz I have this great mission, "I wanna mess things up and get revenge against the right-wing scum bags that are ruining this country" I told them. So just as Sofia snorts "Great. Why the hell are you in OUR car?" the front wheel blows out and she guides the car to the shoulder of the freeway. Now this wouldn't be important but Sofia and Jenny were changing the tire when this Dodge Charger with this sticker that says "Don't Blame Me I Voted for Bush" on the bumper pulls up filled with like 4 drunk guys and they all get out of the car to help little ole us. Sofia tells them that we don't need help and the guys got all put off and then they look at Jenny and start yelling bulldagger and start pushing her and stuff. I jump one of the guys and give him a nice karate kick to the groin while Zoe lets out this awesome scream and turns a no handed cartwheel flip and like kickboxes one guy in the mouth and then spins around, hits both arms into his stomach and lands the final blow that sends him to the ground on the back of his neck. What a freakin kung fu fighting goddess! Zoe took em all down and I promised myself never to laugh at the whole Hollywood girl fascination with kickboxing again. So anyway, after that incident they were hooked on being BAD and they agreed to join me.

So where did you go from there?

I told them we should take on Phyllis Schlafly and her women should only be a housewife attitude, plus she was going after Children's Defense organizations again-- saying that the Radical Leftie Commie pinkos wanted children to sue their parents and that this would mean that parents couldn't discipline their kids and all sorts of bizarre things. I'd had some problems with a nasty step-dad when I was growing up, so I totally hated Schlafly and I'd do anything to annoy her.

Phyliss Schlafly claims that you manipulated photographs of her and Rev. Donald Wildmon and released them to the press. Is that true?

No, not at all. Those photos are the real deal. You see, we got a tip that Phyllis baby was having a party at her house so we dressed up in Republican drag and crashed it. We weren't really expecting anything, we just figured we'd make some noise, but when we walked in the first thing we saw was Buchanan in a sling with nothing on but some sort of leather jockstrap and Fawn Hall was dressed in this dominatrix outfit and she was beating him with a riding crop. So I break out this cheap little camera I brought to take surveillance photos with and started snapping away. I ran into another room and that's where I found Phyllis, the Rev. Wildmon, Falwell, and Robert Bork having some sort of group sex thing. So I snapped more photos, then on the way out I ran through the kitchen and I saw Newt, Kennedy, and Trent Reznor spraying whip cream all over a naked Amy Grant and then licking it off while Amy sang "Baby Baby Baby". I always knew those guys were all bent cuz you know like the saying goes, the lady doth protest or whatever it is. So anyway, between the four of us we got some great pics and we sold them to the Star for a bundle and donated the money to NARAL. And Phyllis had the police issue a warrant for our arrest for like trespassing or something, but they never caught us on that one.

Didn't you harass Mark Fuhrman too?

Well I prefer to say that we menaced him. Cuz I'm not on OJs side--it's just well, Fuhrman-- you can't help but hate him. So we gave that smirkin fool a taste of his own medicine. We found out through some sources on the internet that he had a sorta paramilitary training camp where they trained racist cops and clinic blockers in Idaho. So we drove up there in this killer 4 x4 that Sofia put together. I mean it had huge huge wheels. There wasn't anyplace that thing couldn't go. So we snuck into the ranch and confiscated all the weapons that we could find and set them on fire in this big bon fire and stuff was exploding all over the place. Awesome pyrotechnics! You shoulda seen it...it was beautiful!! So then Sofia drove around the little cabin where they were all asleep and she had this PA system in the 4 x 4 and I started screaming stuff about what pigs they were and that we were angels from the goddess who had now taken over the world and had no use for them and their pitiful little god. Well they ran for their RVs and their pick ups to chase us down but we had removed spark plugs and slashed tires so they couldn't do anything but sit there and listen. And then when any one of em tried to run back to the house Sofia ran them down with 4 x 4. She didn't really hurt anyone though, just scared em. It was so fun to watch them pee in their pants with anger and yet they couldn't do a thing to stop us!

When did you get busted?

It was after the incident with Newt's mom. Looking back that wasn't such a good idea to flatten her trailer the way we did. We really wanted to get to Newt but we couldn't, it was too risky, so we settled for his mom. That really pissed alot of people off and you don't just run over the Speaker of the House's mother's home and not get the Feds on your case. So for our next gig, I came up with the most fiendish of all plans. We were gonna kidnap John Salvi, that guy who killed those receptionists in the women's health clinics in Boston and put him on trial the way he should be tried--For crimes against women--For killing innocent receptionists, for murdering young women who made appointments for pap smears and pregnancy tests. And frightening women who can't afford private doctors away from seeking pre-natal care, and other vital services that these clinics offered. We were gonna have a pirate satellite uplink and pre-empt regular broadcasting on all the major networks. But just as we were ready to move, the Feds busted us. We didn't even know they were watching us.

What happened after you were arrested?

Well that's when Zoe and Sofia pretended not to know anything. They were like she just asked us for some advice about cars and stuff. But then when people started coming forward to ID them, they sorta changed their story and I heard they said I kidnapped them. And the cops bought it cuz they agreed to testify against me. Shoulda known that they'd narc, I mean they're only poseur trash, not the genuine thing like me. So now I'm facing trespassing, conspiracy, and kidnap charges, but I'm thankful that I was busted out of the slammer by some powerful friends of mine.

Care to talk about these friends?

Well no, I can't really say anything except that they are super heroes like me. Everyone knows them, they have action figures modeled after them and everything. Hey I hear there's gonna be a Janice Roach figure too!

Many people doubt that you are in fact a Super hero.

Well most people don't really think that Super heroes are real. But they are. Suffice it to say that those comics, those cartoons, they are all based on real people. I can't say much more because as a Super hero, I'm sworn to secrecy. But ever since I was a teenager and I smoked some Dust, I realized that I had Superhuman capabilities to fly and bend steel and all that. I know people don't believe it, but it's true.

It's a hard thing to believe that Super heroes really exist.

Yeah well, I dunno if I'd believe it either, but that doubt that everyone has--that is what lets us be free cuz no one believes us when they see us. It was the first thing I learned in Super hero school. Yeah, you know I shouldn't tell you this, but I went to school with the WonderTwins. We practically grew up together. But that's another story and I've already told you too much.

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