Sometimes it matters to me how I got here. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I just watch the the wall. The television flickers and sputters nothing in particular. The shadows turn from gray to yellow to blue back to gray again. Then blackness sets in. The sun rises or sets I'm not really sure. Maybe it is noon, maybe it is midnite. Overwhelmed and trapped but I think that I am free. Everything I need is in the prick of a needle and everything I want is for that to be the last thing I will ever need. Dolly's words slide past me "Do I ever cross your mind?"
I wonder did you give me this life? Or is this what god intended for me? Today I want out, but it all just seems so hard. So I melt back into my bed. Dreams take over, memories flood and I wallow. Deep in the grip...it is safe to cry.
Do you remember? I try and forget...my blood spilled across dingy white tiles. Each of us wrapped in our resentment: me for the things that you stole and you for the things that you felt you HAD to take. You alredy owned my soul but all you really wanted was flesh. The one thing I did not want to give. I was NEVER enough but then I became TOO MUCH.
My demon girl wanted you more than I did. She saw in you the chance to own me completely. She did everything to seduce you--make you love her, desire her, need her--she wanted desperately to feed your hunger. She'd whisper to you that you could have her anyway you wanted her, anytime, anywhere. Isn't that all you wanted to hear that drizzly Thanksgiving morning? But you hadn't planned on meeting her then. You'd already found another and you were on your way to something or somewhere with her when the demon girl tore my heart in two. Make a wish--a piece for you and a little left for me. She heard you say you needed certainty and she handed you pieces of me one by one until I hung dripping in your hands. With bleary eyes and tear-stained lips I pleaded "Stay"--you wavered, then unleashed a torrent. Accused, hated, despised, I stood before you and begged...one last kiss. Now all this time later the rush from the taste of your menthol cigarettes is still fresh. Your lips--soft, pouty, innocent--complete betrayal. If we could just stay lost in this kiss maybe we could be SOMETHING. When you pulled away, I heard what you called me, poison. Then you walked out the door. I fell to the floor heaving and hysterical. I touch my fingers to my lips and I am pulled back. I see you subdued in candlelight--all warm, soft and fragrant.FORGET...
Why can't I let you go? My demon girl will not let this end. She has learned what she has to do and you are her bestfriend. She drains the last ounce of sanity from my head. I stood there naked, alone, confused and utterly crazed.
So darling, do you ever remember that day? You tell me now that you cry for me, but I know that they are only crocodile tears of this I am sure.