November 2000

In the inside there is sleeping, in the outside there is reddening, in the morning there is meaning, in the evening there is feeling. In the evening there is feeling. In feeling anything is resting, in feeling anything is mounting, in feeling there is resignation, in feeling there is recognition, in feeling there is recurrence and entirely mistaken there is pinching. All the standards have steamers and all the curtains have bed linen and all the yellow has discrimination and all the circle has circling. This makes sand.

Gertrude Stein,Tender Buttons

   Trouble in the Mind 
  (1927) Richard Jones 
Trouble in mind, I'm blue
But I won't be blue always,
'Cause the sun's gonna shine
In my backdoor some day.

I'm all alone at midnight
And my lamp is burnin' low
Ain't never had so much
Trouble in my life before.

Trouble in mind, that's true
I have almost lost my mind,
Life ain't worth livin,
Sometimes I feel like dyin'.

Goin' down to the river
Gonna take my ol' rockin' chair
And if the blues don't leave me
I'll rock away from there.

You been a hard-hearted mama
Great God! You been unkind
Gonna be a cold, cold papa
Cause you to lose your mind.

I'm gonna lay my head down
On some lonesome railroad line
And let the two nineteen
Pacify my mind.

Well it's trouble, oh trouble
Trouble on my worried mind,
When you see me laughin'
I'm laughin' just to keep from cryin'. 

November 23, 1994. The beginning of my end. The day I completely and utterly tied myself into an unmanageable knot. I think about it now, I hate Thanksgiving (the feast), but giving thanks (the idea) isn't such a bad thing. The blood I have spilled, the hatred and pain I have lived, the madness, insanity, all of it, at least for the moment has lifted. I can see things more clearly, I have made it to a spot where I can see that I have so much that I don't want to ever lose again. I am thankful that I do not have to live with all the burdens I carried around with me for years. I remember that day 6 years ago, the complete desparation, the total fear. That was the day it became very clear an important relationship was OVER and instead of accepting it, I tried to resurrect it. Tried to make up for all mistakes in one moment. The complete sense of loss when I was walked out on when I was sitting there drenched in tears, yelling, screaming, cursing. Why would anyone want to stay there? I was a mad woman.

For years, I'd been trying to avoid this relationship, finding more reasons to be aloof, to be detached, to be cold and cruel, and then when she did not want that any more, I fell apart. I was only doing those things to protect myself from her. She did not understand why her cheating, lying, and constant insults made me want to be at some remove from her. It was that day when I saw how completely fucked up I was. I couldn't trust her, I couldn't trust anyone, I had always kept her at arms length and never wanted her to touch me, to love me. Yet, I wanted her. I wanted her to love me, and I wanted to love her. And I couldn't accomplish this simple task. Couldn't explain myself to her, or to myself. Tears like I'd only remembered from my childhood, flooded up and that day will never fade. I lived it for years, in every shot, in every drink, in ever time I tried to destroy anything that was good in my life. I felt like I could never be worthy of anything but hatred, and scorn...Now that day is a bottom, I never want to see again. It has taken forever for me to make sense of that day and stop living it as my destiny. That I can see this now, makes me thankful.

You cannot revive everything you love.

Jean Cocteau, The Testament of Orpheus

December 2000

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